I may think too much about the future, and no matter what, that will never change! I wonder where my life is going, and where I will be in 10 years. I will be 29 in 10 years, if everything works out I should be already done are just getting done with school! It's weird to think that I will be in school until I am 29, but hey, no one said dreams are easy to get to! I also wonder if I will find love by then or if I will let my insecurities hold me back from feeling something real like I have this far. I wonder if I'll have kids, if I am even able to. I wonder where my mom will be; if she will be happy. I wonder if my friends lives will be everything they hope. I wonder where I will be, like where my life will bring me to make a home. I wonder who will still be in my life. I also wonder if my grandma will be proud of the life I make for myself. I wonder if my story will be told, and if it does will it help someone. I also wonder if I will even make it to 29. Because life is unpredictable and I could die tomorrow for all I know. These thought are always on my mind. I wish I could just focus on what's happening now and enjoy it! I guess I am afraid of what's happening now that to calm my nerves I take my mind off of it. You know, in 10 years I just want to be happy with no regrets! I feel like that would be a successful life if that happens!
There are always those years that nothing really happens, and then there are years that are jammed pack with memories you mistake it for more than one. Well, that is exactly how my first year of college was. I will be done with my first year in three days, and me being all emotional and shit. I've been thinking back on the year. There has been ups and downs in this year and I have to say I have loved every moment! There are memories that I will never forget and some I wish I could remember, and no that is not a drunk reference. There are so many people that I have met this year, most of them with only be memories, but a few will be lifetime friends! There is diffidently people that I will never forget, even if I want to ;) I have so much happen to me this past year and I am so grateful they happened! I do wish that there would have been at least one love interest, but I did have a couple crushes and maybe one that will be leaving with me lol I am coming back here next year, but I know it will be different and I don't know if I am okay with that! I guess I have no choice. I am afraid that when I am leaving I will cry, but I am so happy that it all happened! This has been one of the best experiences I have ever had! Living on the loudest floor in the hall! I may not like everyone on this floor, but I do love them all like they were my family! Shit, after this goodbye I'm going to need a drink!
Your mind is a funny thing especially when you have a mind like mine. One day I could be on cloud 9 and the next it seems like someone killed my cat. I have mild case of bipolar depression and I can handle it most days, but that's just it, it only lasts a couple days. I have been on a low for about a week and there is no sight of moving from my low. This time I am actually finding things and dwelling on them. Like my cousin being sick and fucking things up with a guy I really like. This has never really happened in the last 3 years of being diagnosed, it's actually a tad scary. I really don't want to be on medication because I have been dealing with it for so long without it. I don't know what is different. Even people that don't know me that well have noticed that something isn't right about me, It's hard to explain so I don't, I say that I am just worried about my cousin, and they stop asking questions. It is so much more than that and I feel like I have no one to talk to! I know I actually have a lot but I don't want them to worry about me so I feel my mental disorders to myself most of the time. It doesn't help that when I am in a low I hate being by myself and this week I am all alone. Prefect timing ha..
I have finals starting next week, but all I can think about is my little cousin. She is little with cancer and is sick. Which she has been sick before but she is sicker then she has ever been and it scares me to think that she is being sick. I feel hopeless not being there but I know I wouldn't be able to do anything if I was there.. She has gotten through so much, why can't she just get a brake? She is only 4 for goodness sake.. If I could take the cancer away from her I would in a heart beat! She is too young! Cancer should get cancer and die...
People always seem to complain to me about how many guys like them, how guys ask them for sexy pictures, how people say they are so pretty but don't feel it, how the last 5 relationships have been shit and they are going to be forever alone. I want to scream, yell, and throw things when I hear this. No guy has come out and said they liked me, no guy has asked me to send pics, people don't tell me I am pretty and I have never had a relationship. It brings me down when all my friends talk like that to me. I can't help it. Sometimes I wish I could scream or yell or throw things maybe that would make me feel a little better about myself. Ha..
I know that I am not the best with relationships, ha I am so bad with them I haven't had one! I guess I have had a lot of guys walk out on me and it has affected me more than I thought. But you know, I need to stop blaming them. My motto in life is everything happens for a reason, I even have it on my body, maybe I should start listening to my own body. I have loved, it wasn't true because it is no more, but I still feel like it was love. Even to this day I love him, I love him as a person that saved my life and was a great friend even if we hit heads a little. I never really thought I would get the way my first love made me feel when he was around, but I was lucky, or unlucky however you want to look at it, to feel it again. I wouldn't say I love him, far from it! But I liked him a lot! I thought he didn't like me like that, I had a feeling, but it gave me hope when he flirted and stuff. Tonight was the sure sign to what I didn't want to hear or see. He was with another girl, she was prettier, skinnier and his perfect girl from the outside. But I am guessing she is nice and funny as well. I knew when I started my little crush that it would never have worked out because I wasn't his type. But you always have a little hope that the cutie will see past the average face and see the girls heart of gold. Ha, but that only happens in fairy-tails. And I sure in hell not living in one of those. You know, to be honest, I thought I would be crushed when I actually found out that it would never be. Yes, it hurt especially when he looked right at me when he walked by with her, but I am not crushed. I am happy that he may have found someone. Yeah, I may like him and I probably won't stop for awhile, but it doesn't mean I don't want him to be happy. I drive people away, so I am use to liking someone when they don't like me back. It has been how it always has been. Life is such a weird thing. I wish I could understand it more clearly, but I think everyone one does...
I have this way to scare the guys I like the most. I would call it a true gift.. HA NOT! It actually kind of sucks. I wish I could just let someone in maybe they would help me get past this "gift." I am not looking for my forever because frankly I don't know if I will ever find that, but I wish someone would be willing to get past my bitchiness and see what my heart really has to offer. I hope someday that will happen, I have faith someone will. Not expecting it to last long, but hey beggars can't be choosers, right?
It sucks that all I really am after is the feeling I had with my first love. I don't know if I will ever get that exact feeling, but if something close to it, I would be perfectly fine.
Love is a terrifying thing, I think for everyone. Ha. That is one thing that we all have in common no matter who you are.
I am not afraid of dying, I am not afraid of getting raped, and I am not afraid of getting attacked. But I am afraid of getting cancer, not because it might kill me, like I said I am not afraid of dying. Cancer has been a big part of my life, seeing my grandma get so sick from it and being there when she finally was rid of the pain. Our family did get closer in those years, but it also put a lot of stress on our family. They won't admit it, but I wasn't stupid. And now that my little cousin has it the stress has come back. They are all trying to put a brave face on, but I can see the toll that it has been on them. I don't want to do that to them. I can't do that to them. I have decided that if I do get cancer I am keeping it to myself. I have an above average of getting the cancer that my grandmother had. Knowing that when I turn 25 or become sexual active I have to start getting tests. And if any of them come back positive for cancer the news will stay with me. That might be stupid, but it is my choose. I can't have my mom go through it with me like she had to with her mom. She did not take it well, like burned down our house not taking it well. If I do get it, it might be hard going through it bye myself, but it would make me feel better knowing that mt family won't be worrying about me!! By the way I am 19!
Blood doesn't scare me, it has come to be something that is normal in my life. Wow, saying that out loud sounds really sad and not good. I can't lie ;) I have a past and if you are a frequent flyer to my blog you know that I use to cut myself. I don't know I treat blood like it is something comical!! When I give blood I like to watch, I don't know why, I sometimes wish I did!! When I start bleeding from a paper cut or something like that I sorta laugh, I don't know why! And when I spit up blood when I cough too much it doesn't worry me. Blood has come to be something that I use to fear because I thought I was dying if I was bleeding to laughing... Can you say messed up! Ha..
Finding out that I didn't get the job broke my heart. I thought it would, but I didn't think that it would break my heart due to you. My first thought when I read the words was ohh.. I guess I will know if it would ever work out between us, or find out if you even like me or get to see you everyday. I don't think you realize how much you mean to me! It sounds pathetic, I know! But let me explain!! When I see you I get a million butterflies in my tummy which sometimes gets me to the point where I feel like I am going to throw up! When you smile my heart skips a beat! Even if you aren't smiling at me. You have the same sense of humor as me even though you haven't really seen it because you make me so nervous. Writing this about you right now my heart rate has increased! I don't know why you make my heart race, but you do! And I live for those moments that I would do anything to see you, even if is for a second. I love how sweet you are! Your mom really raised you well with that department!!! Nik, I honestly don't know what you feel towards me, and of course I hope, sometimes pray, that you like me back, but I don't think I am the kind of girl you go for. I always like guys that I'm not their type. Considering I am writing this to my blog and not going to send it to you shows how scared I am thinking about you. I feel like I am looking for a real relationship and I feel like you would hurt me, not having anything to do with you I just have a lot of trust issues due to my sperm donor. Ha.. but that's a story for another day or never. Anywhoo, I want to make the jump and tell you how I feel, but I don't know how! It's not like I am going to go up to you and be like Oh B.T.Dobs I like you, how does that make you feel?
I may have confidence but when I am around you it all goes out the window! You make me feel like the shy little girl from middle school,minus the bullying ha. OMZ... Writing this I am listening to iHeart Radio and I guess they decided to torturing me by playing love song after long song... I have it on a punk, emo station.. DUFUCK! Anywhoo, I wish I could send this to you, but like I said, you scare me! Could you stop that? ;)
I was walking behind a girl on my way to class. I noticed on her backpack there was a rainbow sticker and on the sticker it said fag. And it got my little hamster a moving. Why do we put so much power in words? I don't know if this girl is gay or just a supporter, but it doesn't matter. She is making a statement that is saying that word ha no meaning to her and I think that is great. It's just like the movie Pitch Perfect, great movie bye highly recommend it, Rebel's character Fat Amy, she calls herself because she thinks people will call it behind her back so she is making the word have no meaning! And they shouldn't! Yes, the way words are used should stop because they can he hurtful, but if we stop giving these negative words any meaning they won't be so hurtful! I'm not saying everyone should go around calling themselves "Fat Amy" but I'm saying we should stop putting so much power in words! They are just letters on a page!
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It's weird to think about where I am going to be in 10 years. I barely can think about what I am going to do next week! I have so many goals, I wonder if they will come true! Well I guess in 10 years they won't because if i'm on track I should still be in school! Not the point. I wonder if I will get married, have kids, have the house I want. I am terrified that I will make a mistake and my dreams won't come true. I guess thinking about the future itself terrifies me because it is the unknown and I could die tomorrow and my dreams wouldn't come true! I would hope that something from my life would make a change. Let's hope that doesn't happen because I really want to live before I say goodbye. The future is so broad that anything can happen, and that is scary! Liked really scary! I want everything in my head to work out, but yet I know sometimes plans change and I am okay with that. I want to be happy! And if I am not, I will change something to make myself happy! I know that for a fact!
I had my family Christmas a couple days ago, and when I was heading home in my car with one of my aunts. I saw how happy she was with her boyfriend. And then it got me thinking about the relationships within the family. I have learned, that sometimes finding someone really great you have to kiss some crazy ass frogs before you find your prince. For example, one of my aunts dated two crazies in her life, one started stalking her when she broke up with him, stuck his hand in a snow-blower hoping she would go back with him. Another aunt found her prince already married, but don't worry in the stars aligned for them and in the end she got him. Another aunt had to fight with sickness, drug addiction and a horrible accent with her prince and on top of that taking care of four kids. And last but not least my grandaunt found her second prince, her first husband of 30+ years passed away from illness and in her time of grieving she reconnected with her first love, giving her light in her darkness. My family hasn't really had their love lives be easy, but that makes them more meaningful. Their love is stronger than anyone I know because they had to fight for it. They could have easily giving up, threw their hands up and walk away. I am sure the thought probably crossed their minds, but they wouldn't have what they have today. I am thankful I have such great aunts to teach me this lesson.
Real love is something you wait for, you never give up on it, and you fight for it because the end result is a form a perfection we are looking for.
I have never seen so many couples in my life! It really makes me sad to think about, the longer I go without it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me! I know there isn't! I have accepted the way I look! Guys flirt with me, yeah not every day or anything but they do. I don't understand why one of them can't turn into a asking me out. Some Guys make it known to me that they think I look good so why can't they get balls to ask me out or ask me my name. I am afraid that the first person I date I'm going to marry and I will be missing out on something but yet I am also afraid that if I feel that way and break up with him and move on and he will always be in the back of my head and I will never get him out of my mind! I think I over think these things! I know I just need to relax and let the chips fall where they may but that's hard lol I wish one guy could like me and I like them! Is that too hard to ask? Lol I guess so! Hahahahaha lol I'll live!
My teacher told me that using cliches were a bad thing because they are overused. In the definition it says it means overused. I think cliches are a good thing, they give us a familiar to them that we may be missing in our lives. I wrote a paper about the small things and how my generation and the younger ones are missing out on them. I stated that we are turning into a superficial society with all the technology. In the paper I wasn't trying to bash technology because I don't know where I would be without it. I was simply stating that we need to find a happy median. Right now we are letting technology run our lives, I feel like we need to step back once in a while.
One day, one day can change your life forever without a single warning. Yes, it may be unfair and cruel, but that’s life, isn’t it? One day can be the difference between making your life completely or tearing it at the seam. It’s crazy to think about, isn’t it? Tomorrow, something terrible could happen in my life that could totally blind me from the world because it is so horrific or something so great could happen that would change my life for the better either way that one day would be in my head for years to come, if I was still here. One day, maybe it is just me that is flabbergasted by the concept that one day can make or break us. Yet, I am aware of this one day concept and I choice to waste my life away doing things or better, not doing things. What if I died tomorrow, what would the world know about me? I hope that someone would tell my story, even if it is only to their children, I would hope the people that I have loved in my life would shed a tear, but only one because they need to move on with their lives. I would hope the love I give to all my loved ones would pass on. You know if I did die tomorrow, it wouldn’t be the worst thing, yes, I am too young and have a lot of my life to live, but I know that it would have been for a reason, and I know that I have touched peoples lives that I know that I have done what I have been put on this earth to do, which is help people. Let’s hope that I don’t die and help more people in my days to come. But I think everyone has to picture that. Picture that they would past the next day, have you done something with your life that could bring meaning to your death, if not. Wake up people!!! One day could change our lives, we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow! So make every second count because frankly it could be your last.
Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom there lived a girl and a boy. In this kingdom everyone worked for what they had and there wasn’t any kings or queens. Well this girl went to work, she loved her job , and the people that surrounded her in the workplace. She worked mostly by herself, she liked the time to think. Once in a while one of her bosses would come in to do this work and he would talk to her. He was a charming young fellow with a great sense of humor. And he has a tendency to flirt with the young worker. She didn’t mind, she enjoyed the time he came in and talked to her, but she knew that it was forbidden what she was feeling, so she decided that there was nothing wrong with looking, but not touch. And she did just this, she would flirt back and just have fun when he came in. This isn’t a story where the two fall in love, this is more realistic than that. Every time the young boss man would see his young worker he would say something witty or give her a funny look, his partners in the business began to question if it was all fun or more than that. He then began to say things to generalize his flirting to all of the workers, which none of the other works said he did so. Not the point, she began to have a little more feeling for her this young boss man, but knew that nothing good would come out of it. She began to have dreams about him, she was able to have a relationship without getting in trouble or getting hurt. It was a perfect medium for her, she may wish something would happen in reality, but for now she knows that she can count on seeing him when she closes her eyes. I love that can last without complications. Everyone’s dream.
So, there is this guy, Ha I think a lot of stories start this way! I guess I should make it clear that this isn't a "love story!" I wouldn't even say it's a "like story!" This guy is a great guy and he is going to make a girl very happy!!!!!! I admit that I may have a small, tiny crush on him ;) I am unaware of what type of guy he is, but it doesn't matter! If he is just a flirt I am completely fine with that because I know that nothing will ever happen between us and I think I like it that way. I would be lying if I said I didn't wish that something would happen but I am being realistic. He is teaching me to be less awkward toward guys. He is being himself and that is enough! I am so thankful that he has come into my life. I have a feeling that it will not be for long and I am okay with that. It may hurt a tad, I am human and a girl! But I know the reason he has come into my life and the reason doesn't need him to stay! Yes, I would LOVE it if he stayed for a while but I am almost positive that he doesn't like me like that, and I am okay with that. Which surprises me because I am usually not this type of person. I have to say that I am very proud of myself! So there is this guy that I can say has changed my life for good and he only has been in my life for so little. I am blessed!
Previous PostsFuture, posted May 15th, 2013
First Year Done, well almost ;}, posted May 5th, 2013
Oh, the mind I have!, posted May 4th, 2013
Way With Timing, posted May 3rd, 2013
Think Twice Before You Say Something, posted April 29th, 2013
Omnia Causa Fiunt, posted April 28th, 2013
Fear not love, love fears you, posted April 14th, 2013
My Little Secret: If it comes back positive., posted April 10th, 2013
Red Laughter, posted March 13th, 2013
To You:, posted March 12th, 2013
Words & the Power we give them, posted January 14th, 2013
I'm sorry,, posted January 9th, 2013
My rant of ****** and ***** :D, posted January 9th, 2013
Looking ahead, posted January 2nd, 2013
Trials of Love, posted December 23rd, 2012
Black Friday Shopping, posted November 24th, 2012
Cliches!, posted November 11th, 2012
One day, posted November 10th, 2012
Dreams May Not Come True, But I am Fine With That <3, posted November 10th, 2012
So there is this guy,, posted November 8th, 2012
Change comes from within, posted October 13th, 2012
Do you believe?, posted October 3rd, 2012
Doc, posted October 3rd, 2012
AM, posted October 3rd, 2012
Be done already, posted October 2nd, 2012
Power, posted October 2nd, 2012
Self harm awareness day, posted October 1st, 2012
..., posted September 30th, 2012
Today, posted September 30th, 2012
numb, posted September 28th, 2012
Picture picture, posted September 28th, 2012
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow! It's tomorrow and sun is a shinning, posted September 28th, 2012
God...., posted September 27th, 2012
My book.., posted September 26th, 2012
Thinking about the future, posted September 26th, 2012
It will be okay., posted September 25th, 2012
What did I do?, posted September 25th, 2012
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